sometime in december

underwater-love

decembre

Saturned

I definitely felt it everywhere I went. I felt the longing, this urge to have it all, to own it all, to own everyone, to buy everything my heart did not desire, to get all what I did not need but knew I was able to get it. I went to many countries, spending my fortune on what I could lay my hands. Sports cars, women, men, drugs, food, luxurious fashion, adventures, pain, happiness, near death experiences. I did it not because I needed it, or really wanted it, I did it because I could and out of spite and loathing for mankind and all it included. I simply used and abused it all. This went on for the better time of seven years until I realized, the money just kept coming, I couldn´t spend more than I earned. My body was ridden by the excess of the atttempt to destroy it, which was in my young years then a try to pursue the meaning of it all, as I later came to realize.
When I could no longer endure, I found a book and that book told me what to do. I gave away my fortune, installed different trust-funds for my many children in a lot of different families I had over the time, packed my rucksack I got in a thrift store, with as little as possible, including the book,
which then I called My Way to Saturn. I didn´t know what I was in for, but it would soon turn out to be the last journey I ever undertook. I would be dying in this place. But not before in the most painful way to be imagined I walked through the abyss of it, in the most horrifying ordeal, i got to know it all, worst than I ever lived or imagined, I finally came to a peace, I knew I had been looking for my whole life. I became saturned. And though no words can tell what you have to endure, it was the best that ever happened to me, with me and against me. For many years I lived there in a frightening harmony and quiet with myself and a few others who made it there alive and who I rarely saw.
For example, I spent the better part of April, I think it was, just sitting on a slope under a big birch tree, becoming part of a bee hive that was settled in the lower branches. They just used me to sit on, until I wandered of to join the various wild-flowers growing on the bank of a small creek. There I stayed a couple of weeks. Just swooning with them in the mild wind under warm sun, from not thinking much to not thinking at all and just feeling like them.
Etc., etc. I could tell more episodes of that wonderful time, but after all that time I ran out of notebooks. Maybe one day you will discover this place, and where my body lays, you might find all the writing I did, while there. And you will know the whole story, and the story of everyone that has been here, for now, I have only given you fragments. You have to find it yourself.
And then, one time, you possibly find yourself very much saturned as I did.

The Wanderers Of Saturn, by R.M. Parkner

For my family

Oh Mother Darkness
And Father Abyss
Your nameless child is calling for you
In your worlds you let me wander
And the places where they met
Oh my Sister Rage I found
And my Brother Fear came to see
Together we clung
Now you cling to my side
Every try of shaking you off
Has failed
Soon I will become like you
The best you taught me
But I will be more powerful
I will be Indifference


J. Springtime, Tale of the Bottom of the Sea

On the long road

I realized I had come to a dead-end. It seemed to me, as everyone out there was actually out there to get me. I knew the craziness of that, despite my emotions which I could no longer control the way I was used to. The superficiality, the banalities, the trivial aspects of everday life I could no longer endure. I knew people didn´t mean as much of what they spoke out loud, but it kept me awake at night. Longing for more consideration in people before they spoke. Hurt and ashamed, as I was, I fled. What was the real meaning? Why didn´t I get some clues. Why was everything I said a mere objection? I was well reflected enough to see, what I was doing by acting aggressively in my behaviour, especially towards people I admired or respected. It was a lot of self-loathing behind that. But soon I came to see, that I didn´t know what to do. I felt as if I was drifting in an entirely different world, than they were. But was it just dellusional? What was happening? Words seemed too much of a burden to speak to anyone, because they used them in the same way to speak their artificial crap, which made me so full of rage, that I had no way as how to conclude them (the words) to tell the serioussness of my thoughts and feelings. I didn´t want to be a spoilsport for anyone, just because I was acting strange and wasn´t even able to explain why, because it pained me so much. In my own, sort of arrogant way, at first, I thought that my way of everything was too unique. I couldn´t be bothered to say something, if I was not understood and taken care of in a proper way. I had too much pride in me, to see, when mistakes were made. I came to these conclusions long after my pride and my despite towards myself and others had ceased. Only years of contemplation and reflection, or of not thinking anything for long after I had thought, made me overcome my true self which I believed to have discovered, that I came back out, of the place where I had been, where many years before, an old map in an old diary had brought me. Back then, I left everyone, everything behind, I followed my fathers footsteps into a mouth of madness, of not knowing, what was waiting in this place, which could be seen as the other side of what we believe to know. But I came back out, and soon, mistakes were made, I was questioned and interrogated. I gave it all up, as I was weak, too weak. I should have stayed longer, strenghtened myself more, but in the end, I found myself not very much changed from what I had been many years before I found Saturn. And now I was crying, in my suffering, crying for the sake of Saturn, which was the only place, that truly understood me and had indeed taken care of me; The road was blocked now for me, I knew that, it was what made me suffer. My own weakness, to leave a paradise and go back to dreary old real life, to prove something which I could not before, and still couldn´t. I had given up, so it had given up on me. The magic was gone, I was back, and couldn´t handle a single second of it. Oh Saturn! What have I done?

R.M. Parkner, The Saturn

At The Mouth Of Madness

photography by j.m. thank you