sometime in december

underwater-love

decembre

Saturned

I definitely felt it everywhere I went. I felt the longing, this urge to have it all, to own it all, to own everyone, to buy everything my heart did not desire, to get all what I did not need but knew I was able to get it. I went to many countries, spending my fortune on what I could lay my hands. Sports cars, women, men, drugs, food, luxurious fashion, adventures, pain, happiness, near death experiences. I did it not because I needed it, or really wanted it, I did it because I could and out of spite and loathing for mankind and all it included. I simply used and abused it all. This went on for the better time of seven years until I realized, the money just kept coming, I couldn´t spend more than I earned. My body was ridden by the excess of the atttempt to destroy it, which was in my young years then a try to pursue the meaning of it all, as I later came to realize.
When I could no longer endure, I found a book and that book told me what to do. I gave away my fortune, installed different trust-funds for my many children in a lot of different families I had over the time, packed my rucksack I got in a thrift store, with as little as possible, including the book,
which then I called My Way to Saturn. I didn´t know what I was in for, but it would soon turn out to be the last journey I ever undertook. I would be dying in this place. But not before in the most painful way to be imagined I walked through the abyss of it, in the most horrifying ordeal, i got to know it all, worst than I ever lived or imagined, I finally came to a peace, I knew I had been looking for my whole life. I became saturned. And though no words can tell what you have to endure, it was the best that ever happened to me, with me and against me. For many years I lived there in a frightening harmony and quiet with myself and a few others who made it there alive and who I rarely saw.
For example, I spent the better part of April, I think it was, just sitting on a slope under a big birch tree, becoming part of a bee hive that was settled in the lower branches. They just used me to sit on, until I wandered of to join the various wild-flowers growing on the bank of a small creek. There I stayed a couple of weeks. Just swooning with them in the mild wind under warm sun, from not thinking much to not thinking at all and just feeling like them.
Etc., etc. I could tell more episodes of that wonderful time, but after all that time I ran out of notebooks. Maybe one day you will discover this place, and where my body lays, you might find all the writing I did, while there. And you will know the whole story, and the story of everyone that has been here, for now, I have only given you fragments. You have to find it yourself.
And then, one time, you possibly find yourself very much saturned as I did.

The Wanderers Of Saturn, by R.M. Parkner