dream

A village. everyone is dressed black. I can see smoke in the distance. my mother tells me to get my siblings and run of to the fields, for they are coming to kill all of us. we run of, to the hill and
we sit down in a ditch near a field of maize that just had been cropped. We can see the village.
We have no protection and can easily be found. for now, we sit and watch. In the distance you can see a lot of men marching to towards the houses. They are pretty tall, seem strong. Once they arrive, they start killing. They beat up people, drag them out of their houses and shoot them in the garden. I push my hands on ears of my siblings who I hold in a tight embrace so they can´t watch.
We don´t know where to go, and I know I have to decide something. Then some men appear. they beat me and pull the siblings from me, shoot them. I start screaming, then one of them holds a gun in front of me and pulls the trigger. end of dream.

man as machine

And he said

And he said, "maybe this world is just too fucking beautiful. Maybe I think I don´t deserve it and that´s why I constantly try to sabotage myself and others, whom I really should love without compromise. Maybe I don´t want to see, that it is not all that miserable. But the coward I am, every opportunity I get I run off to this place, as if anything was better there. It is all a big great lie, and I invented it."

R.M. Parkner, Saturn-The Forgotten Place

Do Everything In The dark 6.0

The terms Left and Right have lost any meaning for me.
"I´m already devastated," I say. "Aren´t you?" A recurring subject. "We have no dreams left. Nobody cares about equality, or any utopian anything. We are all just fucked.(...)

Gary Indiana, Do Everything In The Dark

Do Everything In The Dark 5.0

"The same," he said through cigarette smoke. "Withdrawn, sullen, selfish, uncommunicative, hostile. Monstrously inconsiderate, self-absorbed, infantile. Shall I go on?"


Gary Indiana, Do Everything In The Dark

Do Everything In The Dark 4.0

"I fucking hate the physical world," he said, with jarring violence, scooping up the spillage. "Why can´t we leave our bodies once in a while? All these. . .things. Everywhere. All the time."

Gary Indiana, Do Everything In The Dark

two dreams

First

The Outside has opened to our world. They are pouring in. I am in a bathroom, in the shower.
I need to take a shit also. Time is pressing. Some of them are outside the door trying to get in.
I know from earlier experiences how to make myself disappear to another place.
I can´t focus, I´m unable to concentrate. A monster gets in. Slime and teeth and fangs everywhere.
I´m in the shower, the monster and I look at each other through the glass. In panic I start to scream, I am not able to get the trick right to disappear, I can´t focus, concentration is hard.
The thing reaches for me. Horns, yellow eyes and teeth. In the last second, a rush of sensation and I disappear.
Change of scenery.
I am sitting on the bank of a river that is frozen solid. A little boy is with me. It seems that quite some time has passed since the bathroom incident. I am stacking books in the snow, next to the fire we have. They seem to be our fuel. The boy and I are talking about what has happened, but can´t explain any of it. Right behind us is a great wall, covered in ivy. That is our hide-out.
We already looked over the wall. Behind it is a desolate, vast space. It looks like a rocky desert without an end. It is quite dark. There are monsters everywhere, they are changing all the time.
They can´t see us. The boy says, we made this happen. End of the dream.

Two

I am in a bunker under our house with lots of people. We can´t go outside. Some sickness is spreading. It makes everyone numb and aggressive, like zombies.
Time passes, but the disease befalls a great number of people in the bunker, too.
The bunker is huge. We trick the sick people into the reactor-tunnel. A big red steel door is closed. I warn everyone to not open it and we divide ourselves for watches.
Somehow, it doesn´t work and the I constantly find the door unguarded and open.
More people become zombies. One day, I find the door open again. There is only a small lamp over it inside the tunnel. I get curious and venture a little in. There is just blackness before my eyes. Then sudenly the door is locked behind me. I get scared and hit against the door and scream for help. This lures the zombies towards me. I can hear them. Just before they reach me, the door opens again, and I am safe. No one is responsible, they say. Who opened the door, who locked it stays a secret. End of the dream.

and...

I started wondering, when, when exactly is the time, that it is too late. When, at what moment exactly will you recognize, whoa, man, it is too fucking late.
Will I be able to change, like I so often did? Did I change on a regular basis, because I was afraid I´d be in a state I didn´t like when the moment of truth arrived?
Or, did I constantly change because deep down I knew, that it was already too late?
And was I dreaming, or wide awake? Do you fall asleep when it is too late, or is it the moment you wake up, thinking, what the fuck?
Is the use of that silly metaphor necessary? And if I never truly believed in anything, which is engraved in my bone and coronar muscles, why did I put energy into it?
So, are we already living as if it was too late, maybe we did, so our meanningless talks about, what to do so it is not too late are indeed meaningless and we have already lost, so our lives are over.
And, if I don´t change, what am I going to do if everyone else does so.
Also, what puts me in this position, if not I myself. And on, too late for what? What if great expectations and ambitions are not there anymore. Or, maybe have bever been. No one expects anything of you. Is that a role you want to play? Also, now is possibly still the time to make fun of those, we never wanted to be like. At the latest, realizing immense behavioral problems, we can say, okay, maybe we did get like that, but we are different, still. What is that?
So, leap, jump, run? Making the leap. But for what? Yourself? What if you are comfortable. Career, for whom. Going nowhere today. Are we an example for no future?
And we run to the next pub, or gig, or whatever there is. Gulp down another drink. And another.
I won´t be like them, never, cheers on that.


John Fingersam, Realizing Problems

a banshee in the bushes

ants

horses

dune

sixty in spaetsommer

Do everything in the dark 3.0

Habit conquers everything. Habit "passes the time." It puts you under with a smoky kiss, when you wake the world is older.


Gary Indiana, Do Everything In The Dark

Do everything in the dark 2.0

You are too relentless for me, I would tell him. Your desires are too immense. Your frustration exhausts me and your anger swallows up everything.
I can´t be with you, I said. I will go mad, I said. And then he howled, or sobbed, pleaded, flung a glass against the wall. You wait, he hissed on our last night together. Wait until the world does you in and then you tell me how relentless I am.
All right, I said, I´ll wait, I´ll see. But I won´t wait here in hell with you.



Gary Indiana, Do Everything In The Dark

do everything in the dark

The rest of us were caught by surprise when we woke up buried to our necks in shit.


Gary Indiana, Do Everything In The Dark